did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
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