i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
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Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
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It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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