I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
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My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
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In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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