Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize