my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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