i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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