fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
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I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
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Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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