I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
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There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
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i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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