Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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