but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
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would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
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I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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