my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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