apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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