The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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