I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize