also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
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The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
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If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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