I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
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I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
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So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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