OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize