he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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