checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize