We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
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There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
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He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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