please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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