Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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