I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize