Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize