Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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