Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
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Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
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He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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