Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
smell my finger.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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