Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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