he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
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I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
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No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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