There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
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I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
why is half of my head shaved?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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