I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize