please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
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It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
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There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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