He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
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That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
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Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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