If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
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I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
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I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize