i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
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Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
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it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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