I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
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Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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