Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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