Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
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either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
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I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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