Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
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He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
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I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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