I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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