I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
he fucked my hip out of place.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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