Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
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I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
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Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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