I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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