I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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