My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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