??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
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