Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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