There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
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I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
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I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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