Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize