i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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